I'm trying to find a good excuse as to why I haven't blogged in since February and the only possible explanation is that my life has been MASS CHAOS *que dramatic music*.
Perhaps the biggest change is the fact that I went through a break up. And this one was a little bit different from ones that I have had in the past. There was so much expectation associated with him. He was supposed to be "the one". You know the prize you were promised to as a little girl at the end of every Disney movie and every romantic comedy (including one of my all time favorites, Maid in Manhattan). And deep down I really thought that to be the case. Needless to say the heartache associated with the desolation of that relationship was probably one of the hardest things that I've ever experience in my adult life. While its been five months since it all happened and I'm over him, the thought of the pain I experienced during those months has led me to this new journey which you, my readers, are going to take with me.
So allow me to introduce myself: My name is Jovi and I am ADDICTED to love. I mean it's like a drug to me. I love the texts that you silently giggle at, the late night phone calls, laughing at nothing, finding the right outfit for dates, swooning over private conversations, the smile that comes upon my face when someone mentions the persons name. Just wrap those feelings up, put them in a box and deliver them to me every morning and I promise you I will have a great day. THE PROBLEM with being a love junkie is what happens when those feelings are gone, the source of the affection is gone and you're left by yourself. This is my current dilenma.
For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be married and to be a wife. I imagined what he would look like, what our house would look like, my wedding day, the whole nine yards. And you know that's all good and dandy except for when it becomes an obsession. I've come to the conclusion that I have too often associated my value or my accomplishments to someone else. As if God made me incomplete and that I was not good enough to stand on my own and therefore having a husband will make me "better". Lies!
Now here's where The Single Diaries comes into play. I've decided to give myself a challenge. I want to take six months off from the dating scene, like completely. You're probably thinking to yourself, another one?! Yes, add me to the list but I'm actually going to take you through the process with me. See, I am a firm believer that there are many 20-something year old successful women out there wondering or at least contemplating about their future husband, but we're struggling in silence. And if ONE MORE PERSON tells me to just wait, I might scream. Because clearly that's easier said than done.
This process for me is going to be therapeutic for a couple reasons:
1. When my man does come along I don't want to be an emotional wreck because I'm still walking around with baggage from previous relationships.
2. If I don't learn to be happy *que Pharrell* by myself, I can't ever expect to be happy with someone else. The expectations will be way too great and it will be too much pressure on the relationship.
3. I've never really been single in the true sense of the word. I've always had attention coming in from somewhere. Even if I'm not in a relationship. le sigh. I have to let that go.
Here's what you can expect from me: TRANSPARENCY. This will be a challenge in the true sense of the word but I know that I am not the only one dealing with it. So I promise to share the victories, the losses and most importantly to let you know that you're not alone.
Leggggoooooo!
~ACJ
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