I'm trying to find a good excuse as to why I haven't blogged in since February and the only possible explanation is that my life has been MASS CHAOS *que dramatic music*.
Perhaps the biggest change is the fact that I went through a break up. And this one was a little bit different from ones that I have had in the past. There was so much expectation associated with him. He was supposed to be "the one". You know the prize you were promised to as a little girl at the end of every Disney movie and every romantic comedy (including one of my all time favorites, Maid in Manhattan). And deep down I really thought that to be the case. Needless to say the heartache associated with the desolation of that relationship was probably one of the hardest things that I've ever experience in my adult life. While its been five months since it all happened and I'm over him, the thought of the pain I experienced during those months has led me to this new journey which you, my readers, are going to take with me.
So allow me to introduce myself: My name is Jovi and I am ADDICTED to love. I mean it's like a drug to me. I love the texts that you silently giggle at, the late night phone calls, laughing at nothing, finding the right outfit for dates, swooning over private conversations, the smile that comes upon my face when someone mentions the persons name. Just wrap those feelings up, put them in a box and deliver them to me every morning and I promise you I will have a great day. THE PROBLEM with being a love junkie is what happens when those feelings are gone, the source of the affection is gone and you're left by yourself. This is my current dilenma.
For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be married and to be a wife. I imagined what he would look like, what our house would look like, my wedding day, the whole nine yards. And you know that's all good and dandy except for when it becomes an obsession. I've come to the conclusion that I have too often associated my value or my accomplishments to someone else. As if God made me incomplete and that I was not good enough to stand on my own and therefore having a husband will make me "better". Lies!
Now here's where The Single Diaries comes into play. I've decided to give myself a challenge. I want to take six months off from the dating scene, like completely. You're probably thinking to yourself, another one?! Yes, add me to the list but I'm actually going to take you through the process with me. See, I am a firm believer that there are many 20-something year old successful women out there wondering or at least contemplating about their future husband, but we're struggling in silence. And if ONE MORE PERSON tells me to just wait, I might scream. Because clearly that's easier said than done.
This process for me is going to be therapeutic for a couple reasons:
1. When my man does come along I don't want to be an emotional wreck because I'm still walking around with baggage from previous relationships.
2. If I don't learn to be happy *que Pharrell* by myself, I can't ever expect to be happy with someone else. The expectations will be way too great and it will be too much pressure on the relationship.
3. I've never really been single in the true sense of the word. I've always had attention coming in from somewhere. Even if I'm not in a relationship. le sigh. I have to let that go.
Here's what you can expect from me: TRANSPARENCY. This will be a challenge in the true sense of the word but I know that I am not the only one dealing with it. So I promise to share the victories, the losses and most importantly to let you know that you're not alone.
Leggggoooooo!
~ACJ
Monday, September 8, 2014
Saturday, February 8, 2014
Daddy's Little Girl
Hey Guys!
I've been meaning to do this post for a while now. Every time I go to do it, I hesitate because I don't know how vulnerable I am willing to be on here, but here goes...........
Count me in with the girls with 'daddy issues'. You know, searching for love in all the wrong places...constantly seeking attention..and all those other tell-tale signs that you grew up in a home where your father was absent and it had all these psychological effects on you.
Well I find that mine have been resurfacing as more current relationship becomes more serious. Unconsciously I compare him to my father: their features, habits, responses and whatever else I deem comparable. However, the idea of them being the same or even similar for that matter FREAKS ME OUT!!!! And not in a "eww, why would I want my man to be like my father" kind of way. Nope! More of a "I need my man to be NOTHING like my father, like the polar opposite of him."
When I think of my dad the best word that comes to mind is inconsistent. Hear from him one day and then months go by and......nothing. Dry as the Gobi Desert up in here. Other days he's all about being my dad, wanting to know whats going on in my life and I have a glimmer of hope. Maybe he will change. Maybe for once he will be the dad that I know is deep down inside of him. Then, without fail he returns to his same inconsistent self.
I have been a part of this vicious and emotionally detrimental cycle for years. I still remember the days when I used to get dressed after being informed that we would spend the day together only to wait by the door aimlessly, refusing to believe that he wasn't going to show up. Let's not even begin to count the broken promises for the simplest things to the most complex. One of my favorites: "When you turn 16, I'm going to get you a car because you deserve it! We'll go next week. Oh, you still need it? Not now, focus on school" (It is now 2014 I'm on my second car, no thanks to pops!).
But then there are times that my father can be extremely thoughtful and caring. Like all the times through college when he would help me pay for my books. Or pick me and my friends up because we were too lazy to take the train back to campus. Or introducing me to H&M (yes, he gets credit for that).
I guess what I don't understand is why I can't have that all the time. I had to stop and think. Maybe it's me?! Maybe I did something wrong?! Am I a constant reminder of how his relationship with my mother did not turn out the way the both would have liked it to? I really don't know. And what's worse is that I long so much to be close to him. I try to call, set up times to get together and it never really pans out the way that I want it to. And just like that I re-enter the cycle. I wish I didn't care. Wish that my heart didn't ache when I think of all the things that he's missed out on. And don't think we haven't had this conversation. In the event that I was counting, it's happened at least 3 or 4 times.
Soo...should I move on? How do you forgive someone who continually hurts you? At what point do you just let the relationship die? Even when I try to act like I don't care my heart aches because I know that something is missing. Sometimes I even question my relationship with God. It's hard for me to call Him father because I want him to share none of the traits that my carnal father has.
And so to my future husband, I refuse to let you be absent from the lives of your children. You love on your kids like only a father can and break this generational curse of absentee fathers. My children will never experience the heartache of feeling unwanted of unloved by a parent because at almost 26 years old, I carry that with me every day.
So here's hoping that one day we will finally make things work!
Sincerely,
(Daddy's Little Girl)
~ACJ
I've been meaning to do this post for a while now. Every time I go to do it, I hesitate because I don't know how vulnerable I am willing to be on here, but here goes...........
Count me in with the girls with 'daddy issues'. You know, searching for love in all the wrong places...constantly seeking attention..and all those other tell-tale signs that you grew up in a home where your father was absent and it had all these psychological effects on you.
Well I find that mine have been resurfacing as more current relationship becomes more serious. Unconsciously I compare him to my father: their features, habits, responses and whatever else I deem comparable. However, the idea of them being the same or even similar for that matter FREAKS ME OUT!!!! And not in a "eww, why would I want my man to be like my father" kind of way. Nope! More of a "I need my man to be NOTHING like my father, like the polar opposite of him."
When I think of my dad the best word that comes to mind is inconsistent. Hear from him one day and then months go by and......nothing. Dry as the Gobi Desert up in here. Other days he's all about being my dad, wanting to know whats going on in my life and I have a glimmer of hope. Maybe he will change. Maybe for once he will be the dad that I know is deep down inside of him. Then, without fail he returns to his same inconsistent self.
I have been a part of this vicious and emotionally detrimental cycle for years. I still remember the days when I used to get dressed after being informed that we would spend the day together only to wait by the door aimlessly, refusing to believe that he wasn't going to show up. Let's not even begin to count the broken promises for the simplest things to the most complex. One of my favorites: "When you turn 16, I'm going to get you a car because you deserve it! We'll go next week. Oh, you still need it? Not now, focus on school" (It is now 2014 I'm on my second car, no thanks to pops!).
But then there are times that my father can be extremely thoughtful and caring. Like all the times through college when he would help me pay for my books. Or pick me and my friends up because we were too lazy to take the train back to campus. Or introducing me to H&M (yes, he gets credit for that).
I guess what I don't understand is why I can't have that all the time. I had to stop and think. Maybe it's me?! Maybe I did something wrong?! Am I a constant reminder of how his relationship with my mother did not turn out the way the both would have liked it to? I really don't know. And what's worse is that I long so much to be close to him. I try to call, set up times to get together and it never really pans out the way that I want it to. And just like that I re-enter the cycle. I wish I didn't care. Wish that my heart didn't ache when I think of all the things that he's missed out on. And don't think we haven't had this conversation. In the event that I was counting, it's happened at least 3 or 4 times.
Soo...should I move on? How do you forgive someone who continually hurts you? At what point do you just let the relationship die? Even when I try to act like I don't care my heart aches because I know that something is missing. Sometimes I even question my relationship with God. It's hard for me to call Him father because I want him to share none of the traits that my carnal father has.
And so to my future husband, I refuse to let you be absent from the lives of your children. You love on your kids like only a father can and break this generational curse of absentee fathers. My children will never experience the heartache of feeling unwanted of unloved by a parent because at almost 26 years old, I carry that with me every day.
So here's hoping that one day we will finally make things work!
Sincerely,
(Daddy's Little Girl)
~ACJ
Thursday, January 2, 2014
New Year...New Me?!
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!!
I can't believe it's 2014. I'm super excited about what this year is offering up to me. I was driving home from church and was just so happy! (I guess it helped that I was driving around with my love...the one I asked God for last new year) :-). It makes such a difference to be positive and expectant of great things!
Even though my social media newsfeeds have been filled with the cliche quote: New Year, New Me...I like what that quote represents. The idea that a new year is a new beginning. The opportunity to look inwardly and acknowledge things that you can improve. Ahhh, the sweet smell of newness!
As part of my desire to start my new year off right, I am going on a 30 day juice fast. I had to skip January 1 because I'm Haitian and we have to start off the year with Soup JouMu. If you never had that then I feel very bad for you! Anyway...I was watching Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead (a documentary that you can either watch on Netflix or HeadLine News (HLN). I was "inspired" to try this juicing thing. My mom has a NutriBullet at the house which makes juicing a little easier.
Here's the breakdown. For 30 days, I will only be eating/drinking fruits and vegetables. I learned from the video that eating only those things will give you more energy because they are micronutrients. I'm hoping it will also lead to some weight loss becauseI'm trying to get in shape....scratch that...I WILL be in shape this year and this will be a nice jump start.
Today is Day 1. I had juice made with Kale, bananas, green apples, celery and water. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was also sweeter than I thought (no sugar added). I feel full and I'm not thinking about food. If I start to feel hungry, I have gum to keep my mouth busy. So far so good. Stay tuned for updates and recipes!
Say it loud...say it proud: I juice and I'm proud!!
~ACJ
I can't believe it's 2014. I'm super excited about what this year is offering up to me. I was driving home from church and was just so happy! (I guess it helped that I was driving around with my love...the one I asked God for last new year) :-). It makes such a difference to be positive and expectant of great things!
Even though my social media newsfeeds have been filled with the cliche quote: New Year, New Me...I like what that quote represents. The idea that a new year is a new beginning. The opportunity to look inwardly and acknowledge things that you can improve. Ahhh, the sweet smell of newness!
As part of my desire to start my new year off right, I am going on a 30 day juice fast. I had to skip January 1 because I'm Haitian and we have to start off the year with Soup JouMu. If you never had that then I feel very bad for you! Anyway...I was watching Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead (a documentary that you can either watch on Netflix or HeadLine News (HLN). I was "inspired" to try this juicing thing. My mom has a NutriBullet at the house which makes juicing a little easier.
Here's the breakdown. For 30 days, I will only be eating/drinking fruits and vegetables. I learned from the video that eating only those things will give you more energy because they are micronutrients. I'm hoping it will also lead to some weight loss because
Today is Day 1. I had juice made with Kale, bananas, green apples, celery and water. It wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. It was also sweeter than I thought (no sugar added). I feel full and I'm not thinking about food. If I start to feel hungry, I have gum to keep my mouth busy. So far so good. Stay tuned for updates and recipes!
Say it loud...say it proud: I juice and I'm proud!!
~ACJ
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