Hey Guys!
I've been meaning to do this post for a while now. Every time I go to do it, I hesitate because I don't know how vulnerable I am willing to be on here, but here goes...........
Count me in with the girls with 'daddy issues'. You know, searching for love in all the wrong places...constantly seeking attention..and all those other tell-tale signs that you grew up in a home where your father was absent and it had all these psychological effects on you.
Well I find that mine have been resurfacing as more current relationship becomes more serious. Unconsciously I compare him to my father: their features, habits, responses and whatever else I deem comparable. However, the idea of them being the same or even similar for that matter FREAKS ME OUT!!!! And not in a "eww, why would I want my man to be like my father" kind of way. Nope! More of a "I need my man to be NOTHING like my father, like the polar opposite of him."
When I think of my dad the best word that comes to mind is inconsistent. Hear from him one day and then months go by and......nothing. Dry as the Gobi Desert up in here. Other days he's all about being my dad, wanting to know whats going on in my life and I have a glimmer of hope. Maybe he will change. Maybe for once he will be the dad that I know is deep down inside of him. Then, without fail he returns to his same inconsistent self.
I have been a part of this vicious and emotionally detrimental cycle for years. I still remember the days when I used to get dressed after being informed that we would spend the day together only to wait by the door aimlessly, refusing to believe that he wasn't going to show up. Let's not even begin to count the broken promises for the simplest things to the most complex. One of my favorites: "When you turn 16, I'm going to get you a car because you deserve it! We'll go next week. Oh, you still need it? Not now, focus on school" (It is now 2014 I'm on my second car, no thanks to pops!).
But then there are times that my father can be extremely thoughtful and caring. Like all the times through college when he would help me pay for my books. Or pick me and my friends up because we were too lazy to take the train back to campus. Or introducing me to H&M (yes, he gets credit for that).
I guess what I don't understand is why I can't have that all the time. I had to stop and think. Maybe it's me?! Maybe I did something wrong?! Am I a constant reminder of how his relationship with my mother did not turn out the way the both would have liked it to? I really don't know. And what's worse is that I long so much to be close to him. I try to call, set up times to get together and it never really pans out the way that I want it to. And just like that I re-enter the cycle. I wish I didn't care. Wish that my heart didn't ache when I think of all the things that he's missed out on. And don't think we haven't had this conversation. In the event that I was counting, it's happened at least 3 or 4 times.
Soo...should I move on? How do you forgive someone who continually hurts you? At what point do you just let the relationship die? Even when I try to act like I don't care my heart aches because I know that something is missing. Sometimes I even question my relationship with God. It's hard for me to call Him father because I want him to share none of the traits that my carnal father has.
And so to my future husband, I refuse to let you be absent from the lives of your children. You love on your kids like only a father can and break this generational curse of absentee fathers. My children will never experience the heartache of feeling unwanted of unloved by a parent because at almost 26 years old, I carry that with me every day.
So here's hoping that one day we will finally make things work!
Sincerely,
(Daddy's Little Girl)
~ACJ
